Thursday, August 20, 2015

Surrounded by Questions

I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart. Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee. My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me. - Psalm 38:8-10

I think I was the embodiment of this passage yesterday.  No, I'm not going through any major catastrophe (at least, I don't think I am).  No, the world is not caving in around me.  It's just that for the past few weeks I've been wrestling with several decisions, and because of this, there has been a serious disquietness of my heart.  I have groaned to the Lord, making it clear that my truest desire is to do His will then pleading that He would please make His will known to me.  After all, it's hard to do God's will when you're not sure what it is, right?

But the Lord has remained silent in regards to my many questions which has caused my heart to pant, my strength to fail and the light to go out from my eyes.  I feel overwhelmed and frustrated.  I feel confused and wishy-washy, without any real sense of direction.  But most of all, I feel tired.  Tired of trudging down the wrong paths.  Tired of not seeing results for my time, money and effort.  Tired of trying to find balance in my life in the midst of the many obligations that pull at me from every direction.  In short, I'm tired of being tired.

And for some reason, last night it all came to a head, so to speak, and Jason got an earful of my groaning as well.  I tried to comfort myself by reminding me that the past four weeks have been very stressful on our household because of Jason's work schedule.  This week was the first week that things have been "back to normal" (like things are ever normal around here), so maybe the stress and fatigue were catching up with me.  But honestly, I think it was more than that because my tirade quickly led me to the same place the psalmist ended up.

For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me. - Psalm 38:17

Yep, that was me.  I was ready to quit.  It was simply too exhausting to keep going.  I was frustrated with doing the work (in many areas of my life) and never seeing any results.  In fact, in some areas, all my hard work was rewarded with the exact opposite of the result I was seeking.  As I sat on the couch last night, straining to hold back the tears, I felt like it wasn't worth the trouble to keep fighting the same battles over and over again.  I was ready to raise the white flag and give in completely.

Fortunately, I'm married to a man who doesn't believe in throwing in the towel, and after a while, he convinced me to set aside some time and iron out the details with God.  Ask my questions.  Pray for answers.  Then be still and listen.  Stop groaning.  Stop whining.  Stop thinking about how frustrated I am, and get down to the business of really seeking some answers.

I am pleased to say that I received one answer this morning.  Yes, there are other questions, but at least this is one thing that I can remove from my mental to-do list.  I have an answer, and the many uncertainties surrounding that question are now gone.  While I haven't yet received definitive answers regarding some other things, I do feel a gentle nudge in some particular directions, so for now, I'll follow those nudges and see where they lead.

I guess it just goes to show that the Lord is not opposed to answering our questions, but sometimes we need to get serious about it.  Serious about asking.  Serious about listening for the answers.  And even serious about waiting for the answers if that is the case.  God has no desire for us to be overwhelmed by the disquietness of our hearts.  He longs for us to have peace, and sometimes the only way to have that peace is to lay it all out on the table and plead our case with God.  Sometimes He'll answer right away, and sometimes He won't, but either way, we'll have taken the initiative to show how serious we are about our desire for answers.

Are you surrounded by questions today?  Do you feel frustrated, overwhelmed and confused?  If so, I urge you to take it to the Lord.  Seek His will, then wait patiently for His answer.  And whatever you do, don't give up.  God's not done with you yet!

For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly. He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints. Then shalt thou understand righteousness, and judgment, and equity; yea, every good path. - Proverbs 2:6-9

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